Saturday, August 19, 2006
Woke this morning with a happy feeling. When I rolled over, Jen opened her eyes and smiled back at me.....I want to feel like that for the rest of my life. I had a great night with her. We drank vanilla vodka and coke and I don't feel hung over at all. Just the regular ms twich when walking. I feel happy. Its when I thought back over my ms history, right back to November the 1st, I realized that another ms birthday looms. Nothing more depressing than realizing your fate. There is nothing I can do about it and I don't want anyone I love and care for to feel this way...Ever!

Now that's a depressing! I had some good news tho...Season 5 of 24 has been delayed but is on route!yey! Now I just have to get money to survive here on my own. I feel the need to keep everyone at arms length from me. Even Jen! I don't want to infect anyone with this hell. I have a fear that these feelings may break Jen and me up if I don't learn to control it. I love her so much.....Its sick I know!

I know this isn't my usual upbeat self....But its my diary. The neurologist never told me that confusion was in the down sides list for ms....But he did mention depression! My question is this...Why us,me?

Chemical unbalance....That's the technical term used for depression. Maybe time to cut the drinking down a bit! Depression sucks! I even thought about my ex this morning....God I am ill(I hope she is ok tho, you ms!)!

Hope your all well and not depressed at all
posted by personallog! @ 12:33 pm  
  • At 8:44 pm, Blogger Jaime said…


    Maybe it is time to see a therapist, someone who can help you sort through these feelings.

    Of course it can only happen in time, but you are going to need to learn to not push people away because of your illness. Your family and friends love you and want to be there for you...MS or not! It is not fair to them for you to push them away. If they did not care and did not want to be there, they would not be.

    Illness often times will show you who your true friends are....I think you know this. I hate to hear that you are feeling depressed, we all go through this from time to time. You MUST stay positive however, this is how you stay in control of something that really does not allow for much control at all.

    Are you really going to give into this illness and give up your happiness? That is something that you need to think very seriously about, because when it comes to the people who are in your life (includeing Jen) if they love you, they would rather be there for you (even in the hard difficult as it may be) then not a part of your life at all. That is what love is after all.

    No one has it easy in life, we all just do the best we can. I wish you the very best with this and you know I am here for you whenever you need me. Take care of yourself.

    Love you,

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Name: personallog!
Home: St. Annes, Lancashire, United Kingdom
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I am 6ft 3" skinny and not well. I was diagnosed with ms in 2004 and I would like to speak with others who have ms. I have a want to raise money for ms charities. We have to find a cure for this hell!!!! See my complete profile

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