Monday, December 20, 2004
I haver been to work today and received a confussed look that I have not had before... Ever! I was asked by a member of staffIf I was ok....that bit is ok. When I said I was fine then came the look. "You dont look fine" came the reply as I looked to hold on to somthing. When asked againI felt the need to tell them I had a sore back as I didn't see them as a friend. After 10 mins of mindless conversation I had to sit down or fall down.
I then told my colleauge about the ms and requested if we could finish conversation sat at lunch. During lunch break I felt that I shouldn't hide from tell them about it. I mean I am not exactly proud of the fact, my question isnt why did I feel I couldn't tell them straight away. My question why should it matter if he knows or not . My god there are people on the other side of the world who know this . Why should I feel embarised about MS? IS THIS A MAN THING PLAYING WITH MY HEAD? Protecting my man hood type thing? Or am I affraid to show a weakness?

Not only that. I good public transport for my journey home and I fell on somone when trying to walk to a chair on the bus. .....ok stop laughing! I said oops made my appologies, turned red then sat down...
oh god what a day!
I am waiting to see a phisio so they can sort some things for me. One of them hopefully a stick or somthing. I dont feel like I want a stick. I want to walk untill someone says "dave stop it!" I think thats another man thing...; I will be fighting this all the way but I dont feel old enough for a stick. Sorrry if that offend anyone with a stick but we are all fighting are battles in our own way, this is mine. Maybe the wrong way...maybe the right way for me who knows? I dont see any doctors with MS trying my way yet. I really dont want to take this lying down, or sitting.
Well I think the dose from the docter is doing something but I am not what. Look how much I have typed. It must be doing something! Not helped my spelling or typing tho!

posted by personallog! @ 2:11 pm  
  • At 6:18 pm, Blogger Erik said…

    Hang in there - I didn't tell my coworkers for a year after my diagnosis, and it was clear from my hand problems that something was really wrong. I was kinda embarassed too but I don't know why, but I definitely didn't want to talk about it with almost stangers.

  • At 8:00 pm, Blogger Kim said…

    I found with my recent visit to work that the moment someone asked what was happening to me, I had to be honest about it. But in the moment when I said "I was just diagnosed with MS" it became again that overwhleming feeling that I had to admit its true. I know I accept the disease and I feel fine talking to friends and my doctors about it, but with random other people who don't really know me, I feel more protective of my appearance or capabilities. I don't want to be judged! Hang in there Dave!!

  • At 1:50 pm, Blogger mdmhvonpa said…

    It was a 'Man Thing' for me too. I was on top of the world. Running marathons, lifting weights, teaching aerobics, moving up the corporate ladder. Then things went horribly wrong. I hid it until I couldn't hide it any more. I didn't want my life to change unless I was doing the changing. I had to learn that some things are not within my control and I had to work around them, not bully my way through them. Nuance, willful determination and inteligence have become my tools now. I had to cast off my habits belligerance, force and stubborn tunnel vision. The sword has been laid down and the quill is it's replacement.

  • At 1:51 pm, Blogger C. Fish said…

    I still have issues with who I tell about my MS. Coworkers would ask me why I was using a cane and I said I have MS, and then it just turned into a question answer session that became a distraction from work and got me too much unwanted attention.

    I understand your not wanting to use a cane. I use one most of the time now, around my own house not so much, but for long walks or out in public it helps me with my balance and in getting up and down out of a sitting position. I fought it though. I am not even 30 either and I fought using a cane. Sometimes I still fight it. I prefer to call it my 'walking stick' :).

  • At 9:43 am, Blogger pocketpunk said…

    Dave ...can u not get a funky dude stick you know like a walking in the hills sherpa stick ...that wouldnt be so bad you would just look eccentric and stuff ...maybe u need a drive up to the lakes ...

  • At 10:14 am, Blogger localhost said…

    hi bro. strangely enough, i agree with p.p. get yourself a cool stick - something like a cane. i know that it seems like you are giving in to ms a bit, but i will definately get rid of the passers by who assume that you're just pissed. it's kind of like you helping yourself to fight too - you staying mobile and getting about is you not sitting down and being prevented from getting around - if you see what i mean.
    anyway, we'll talk more about it at the weekend.

  • At 10:24 am, Blogger personallog! said…

    Cheers guys! PP-Siter in law
    LH- brother! We will Catch up soon. I do value everyones oppinion!

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Name: personallog!
Home: St. Annes, Lancashire, United Kingdom
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I am 6ft 3" skinny and not well. I was diagnosed with ms in 2004 and I would like to speak with others who have ms. I have a want to raise money for ms charities. We have to find a cure for this hell!!!! See my complete profile

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