Thursday, September 28, 2006
Another night of being up till 4 in the morning!Warning do not read unless you older than 18!
Sorry but there is going to be swearing in this update....I think I have the right!

Ms doesn't suck!

Its Monstrous Shit!

The past two nights I have cried myself to sleep like a baby girl! I have been in server pain and can't get comfortable! I stare at the ceiling or the inside of my eye lids with tears streaming down my face. I used to be a man at the age of 30 and now I am someone else in 90 year olds body. My girlfriend is leaving for the rest of her life to live with her parents. They need her more than me and I don't want her to stay to see me get any worse than I already am. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I understand that...Its going to break my heart but I understand and won't question the thought behind it.

What has she got to stay for anyway. I am already disabled and require help. She won't be able to hack the next step with this disease. Its going to be a massive achievement for any human being to go through and I don't want her here to see it. She will have enough shit on her plate with her parents being ill and all. I love her and want to spare her of seeing what ms does to me.(that sounds familiar...Didn't I say the same thing when I broke with Sinead?)

I going to need to concentrate on what I am going to do next. Its going to be hard for me to do. I have been reading so many medical notes on ms and current therapies and I want to look into neurology and combined sciences, biology and chemistry. What they have done so far and what the next step is. If I am ever going to be in love like this again I want to know there is going to be a future in it!

I am not looking for sympathy. I am not looking for the 'sorry Dave' it not going to happen. I want to get my life back. I want to be able to love again with confidence. I am hurt and want out of this ms hell. Jen will be the second woman I have loved and lost during the 2 short years of this disease. Its not going to break me any more. The whole speech of "its better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all" is ringing in my ears as I start the hardest battle that I have ever done with ms before. There is going to be some heavy medical work done here and I will show all as I find it here. My neuro may have taken me off all my med's but I am not going to except that this is all they can do!!! I am not storming back into the hospital and demanding they give me something!!!! That just pointless and will just confirm what I already know. There is no cure that will give me back my legs and the woman that I love. If I was abled bodied I would be chasing her down south to look after her family aswell as her. That's what packs do, we are animals after all.

I just feel that modern doctors may need to look at all possibilities and there is something missing from all the reports I have read. Maybe a new fresh look at what they are doing may bring something up...Something they have missed to get us all back on our feet and working again to a better furture for us all. I will be looking at ms from the begining again with chemistry and neurology rolled into one. Just to show the laymans rule book so you can read it in English and not have to have a degree to understand the terminology. Tomorrow morning(after some sleep!) I am going to start with the control mechanism for the human body and my messed up CNS(Cenral nerouse System). The brain. The emotional effects and illnesses linked to different area's in the brain with there phyiscal attributes. Where do we get the symptoms from for ms a how you can tell what damage ms has done to your body already. All of this without a MRI scaner. This will get my mind of the fact that I won't see Jen on her birthday(8th of Oct 2006! Her choice). I have to warn you the reading of my research is going to be hard work and I have done research so far that will shock you but hopefully give you a better look at what 'your' doctors are doing for you. Its now 05:30 and I am starting to feel tired...Its about F'ing time! It about time that I got seriouse on ms, Its been seriouse with me from the start and I am sick of it. Its now 05:40 and I am really angry at ms!

We will be well again!
posted by personallog! @ 3:04 am  
  • At 12:10 pm, Blogger mdmhvonpa said…

    It's okay to be angry ... you are getting there. The last phase.

    1 thing though ... imagine having MS 100 years ago ... or 200.

  • At 1:33 pm, Blogger personallog! said…

    Hmmmm, Doesn't that mean we have more of a chance now? Don't get me wrong I am thankful that I have got to this stage and I know that I would be dead or locked in a mental institute....Am I just to except every aspect of this disease and be happy about it? I see what you mean.Thats why your the general!


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Name: personallog!
Home: St. Annes, Lancashire, United Kingdom
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I am 6ft 3" skinny and not well. I was diagnosed with ms in 2004 and I would like to speak with others who have ms. I have a want to raise money for ms charities. We have to find a cure for this hell!!!! See my complete profile

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