Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Stuck in my ways already???
****Hexamgram By Deftones***********
Jen came today and we went to the cinema to see Saw 3(which rocks by the way, I loved it!) and I noticed an new "Quality" in me. I love Jen in a big way and I can tell she loves me in many ways. She wants to help me with everything. We went out and she pushes Claire and my big ass to the nearest tram transport to go into town and to the cinema. I pushed some and she pushed me across busy streets etc....I was fine with the amount of work and resting as a passenger but it was only on the way back that I notice my short replies and the feeling that I didn't have control. Living by myself maybe a contributing factor to this as I get stuck in my ways and I know what I can do,but when I receive help when I didn't ask for it I get more wound up. Its not the fault of the person helping me. Its internal to me. I know I should be thankful for the person being there as they help but it gets so hard for me to except and I start for freak out over the tiny est things. I can't work out why either. Maybe its a finale acceptance thing on the ms side. Maybe its a childish thing of loosing my man hood. Excepting disablement is dam hard when you have had a life of full mobility.

Maybe if I had this wheelchair from birth it would be easier. I know I don't want to hurt any ones feelings(especially Jens) when they are helping me in future. I know it makes me hate ms more, if that's possible, for putting me at this point. But I have to remember the ms got me to meet Jen in the first place...So I think its quits...Oh I owe ms a favor anyway for getting rid of the ex! Dam it! Sorry but the internal workings of my psyche is going to be going a long time with this one.
Should I just except help with no regard to what I feel is best for me? If so what to I really become....Dave to breathing door stop? I realize by typing this there will be people who are close to me will now be worried about how much help they can give but I am just telling you so you don't feel upset by MY reactions....OK some just say "its only Dave" and carry on but do I shut up and except it? I know I am going to hurt someones feeling by shouting at them while I try and work it out. So I am sorry in advance....I am just Dave having a heppy!

Hope you are all well and Heppy free.
Dave
P.S I do love you loads Jen and thankyou for taking me.xxx
posted by personallog! @ 4:10 pm  
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Name: personallog!
Home: St. Annes, Lancashire, United Kingdom
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I am 6ft 3" skinny and not well. I was diagnosed with ms in 2004 and I would like to speak with others who have ms. I have a want to raise money for ms charities. We have to find a cure for this hell!!!! See my complete profile

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