Been in contact with work and spoke to my team manager(Hi Nicki!!!) and she is going to collect sponsorship money through a team mate(Hi Stephen and thanks dude!). So republished so people can see! I DID IT!!!!!
I spent last night talking to Jaime and Amanda(Hi girls!) till 02:30 in the morning! Not good for my tiredness and waves of apathy but well worth it! I was very worried about Amanda as I haven't seen her for a while but she will be back soon...You better be girl! I feel a lot better now I have to talked to people. Yesterdays worrying has now left the building! Depression sucks but tomorrow is another day. I think that's how I will get over depression....Take each day as it comes!
I think I want to do another parachute jump! But will work put more money in for another one? I hope so! My dad is going to have a break down if I go for it again I am sure! The only thing is the weather! I have to sort a couple of things out before I have that conversation with my dad I think!
On what I want to accomplish before depression really kicks in! I know I want to pay off my dept and clear everything up before I shed this mortal coil! So first rule for me is to stop spending money on music and stuff that I don't really need! I have so much to sort out its going to be hard!
I chased income support this morning and they are awaiting further information from my(laughing called) employer. So I can't do anything there! I have contacted them and they are going to get back to me. I have cut up my cards so no further spending can be done! Any money I do get pays my rent and housing bills(gas,electric, internet/TV etc) with not much to spare. Some how I have to pay my credit card with something. (Maybe if I don't eat satans minions might get paid without selling my soul) I am thinking of returning to work and shock the hell out of them but that means I have to be well enough to get up every day for work. I don't think that's going to be done with this employer. I know debt recovery is coming soon! Not the most attractive thing to have over you shoulder by any means! I am hardly lucky enough to win the lottery(you have to play it first Dave!) and I think I used up my luck to find Jen. So in ending this I will have to get something MORE in my bank. There must be something I can do!
Well lets look at it:
1. Crime...Err no! I wouldn't be any good at it and I couldn't hurt a fly! 2. Sell my body and become a whore...Yeah right Dave you said you coun't hurt anyone!! Like who would pay for you!!! 3. Work...Hmm maybe! Looking more likely! 4. Use you body for medical science.....Like that would be an option! You wouldn't get paid for it either! 5. Sell everything I own....Now we are talking business but I don't want anything to go and there is nothing to watch on TV anyway. 6. Win the lottery...You dont play it!!!! And you dont have the money to bet! ********Nina Simone:Aint got no. I got life******* I could go on but you see my point. Do I stop thinking about what happens after I am gone and get on with living....I want to....I really want to but I care about the aftermath of my life. I don't want to leave anything to the people I love apart from happy memories! Good intentions are not going to be enough here dave! You have to do something....Looks like your going to have to sell your ass...is there anything else I can do? I need help! I hate depression!
Jen is coming tomorrow maybe a hug will help...but we are going to have a "chat"! I knew there was going to be bad news!! I also have a new pain in my legs....Whoopie!
I just need more time to think about this but I KNOW I WILL DO IT!!! It will just take some time!
I was really worried about stem cell therapy before but now there is no way I want this therapy! The companies that do this are under FBI investagation and...this bit scares me as the company who feture in the show RANG ME!..They cant be relied on to give you something that is HUMAN! The show confirmed for me that I would not do this untill my government does further testing on a "possible" treatment! There is nothing I would do to raise money for this. I cant believe this.
I even thought that I would do it when I get worse.....But now....No way!
There is so much that can be done with other studies...But I cant help but think that there is so many people who gave the £14,000 in a hope that we can find a cure for this dambed hell that we have everyday! I feel let down and have lost hope in this. I can imagine what the lady in the show must be feeling.
For the first time in....Months! I receive CD'S in the post!!!!!
Tool: Aenima and Tool: Lateralus
Ever since I heard 10,000 Days I have been highly impressed. I can wait to rip the CD's and put them in my music collection! From what I have heard so far(all thanks to www.youtube.com) I know its going to be two CD's that make my collection even more loved by me! Its mine! Get away! ITS MINE I TELL YOU, ALL MINE!!! MEWHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Errr sorry about that! You know what I am like. Its music. That's my thing! I cant play anything apart from my didgery doo but I can listen to music......Really well!
Look I am happy to be receiving something through the post!
Its raining outside today so I may just go for a walk to the shops! I will report if anything comes up!
*****Update: I never laughed so much in my life. The trip to the shops was like a slap stick comedy. Picture the scene. Rain poring down. Puddles forming in the street. Disabled man with stick is returning home with a racksack full of pizza and lazagne(frozen!) attemps to cross road. I find the largest puddle on the infamous street where I have fallen before. I loose balance in the middle of the road and put my stick down in the puddle and reach out my left leg to cross the road and loose traction with the stick. Stick goes right legs go left and I end up with my ass in the puddle! I have to roll to the side walk as the weight of the rucksack isn't letting me get up. I put my right knee in the water and have to stand and retrieve my stick. All the cars passing start to slow down to watch! I am wet,cold and laughing my ass off! Back to the house for a bath and a hot cup of coffee. I am fine honest! I might have bruised a knuckle on my right hand but I am ok. Whoever your god is....He or she is laughing with me I am sure! I walked the last ten feet to my door and I had a pocket full of water as my water proof jacket decided I needed it!
Surfing through www.youtube.com you can come across some real gems. I watched loads of people try and play but when I heard this next one....Well you decide:
Then I saw this:
Tool on piano!! Right into two! The original is here:
Maybe its just music that I want to do! I am going to start saving for a guitar now! I have plenty of time! I live on my own and I need something to really get my teeth into!....Just while I can still move and stuff!hehe! Well....I have to do something!!!!
I woke up this morning fresh and wake. I got up and answered some emails, I went to the shops and picked up a pizza and some essentials and came home and put some music! I got my quarter of sunshine and feel happy! There must be some bad news coming but I am not dead yet! Can it be this easy to be happy to be alive? I know it isn't the norm for the doomed to be this happy but something tells me its going to be ok! I don't need to be affiliated with a group to be happy and that is making my feel....Happy! There must be something coming! Don't get me wrong....I am still having trouble with my walking. I am still tired from the usual ms anchor but I think I have life still.
I got speaking to people as I was walking to the shops, I still have to rest at every lamppost, I met a guy who told me about his problems(heart attack/diabetes and woman trouble!) and I told him about ms. He said "I am sorry!" and I said "Its ok...Its not your fault". And we went are own ways.
Now I know there is something wrong! I never use that comeback. What can it be??? I know, I havent done my injection and there is something wrong with my pc! No and no! Oh I didnt do the injection yesturday!
But that can't be it can it?? I have missed injections before and I havent felt like this. Maybe its a calm before the storm! I have some things to do next week. Collecting money for the jump etc. But thats just a phone call. I have to ring some people about my benifits. I even have two cd's en route(2 Tool cd's and 24 season 5). I still can't think what maybe be coming! Another relaps must be coming....That real doesnt bother me. I know they come and I feel terrible when they do......but I dont think its that.
Lets just wait and see! The world is a wonderfull thing and I am sure it will turn up some horror for me! I will have to put up the Jump vid so I can collect the money from work so I really hope you dont mind! In the mean time have some Tool with a track from one of the albums thats on the way here!yey! I am rather impressed by the vid too!
This was a request for a Vamp friend! Phil Richie:White rabbit (Rockstar) Phil has been kicked out much like the bass player did half way through it!lol
I do feel like KAK today! Sore throat, sniveling mucus doom awaits! I have to go out and get some fresh air! I know it will help! I was in the shower this morning and I realized I was feeling ill as soon as the steam from the shower caused a snotty avalanche. ewwww!
I was going to go out....then I relised I have washing to do! Back to the sink Dave! I still cant believe that I dont have a clothes washing machine! I miss my mum! If anyone needs a holiday its got to be my parents! I hope they are ok and having a good time. I just hope the flights on the way back are going to run smoothly. Anyway ****Jamirqui:Emergency on planet earth***** Because 'I' have a cold!
Is it the drugs we take that keep us awake in a semi zombie state? I know I have been speaking to people in the states (and I can check the time) and it turns out with the time difference that its 6 in the morning there. Or I am up late and talking to someone in California. I have just been speaking to a friend in Australia and it 11:32 in the AM here! The internet is a beautiful thing but there is something wrong if you feel the need to get on to your pc at 0600! *******PJ Harvey:Rid of me******* But to be honest....I love this. Its the biggest collection of books in the world, its a place to meet my friends,its a place were I can check up on people I care about. It my playground,a bar, a place just to be myself! If you cant sleep you can find something to calm you down or make you cry like this:
Nat and natalie Unforgetable at 6 in the morning! I am sick!hehe!
But I am making new friends and enjoying myself. The idea of the modern vampire sharing energy instead of blood apeals to me. Its not as scary as the old movies and it makes me feel like a member of the public again. Just talking to people about something different has made me forget that I am in pain for most of the day. I think the site is more "buffy the vampire" than people meeting up to share blood stories.
Anyway....You will see it pop up from time to time here but back to buisness!
I have had a few cool days just relaxing and watching tv. Jen even came up for the night on monday it was great to see her again...as always and no drink either! I am starting to get worried about money tho. I need to chase up on so many different claims. I contacted income support and it was like they had never heard of me before. I hope they are back on track. I will need to chase on a regular basis if I want to stay here. And you know....I think I want to stay!
I am feeling alot better than I was...It must be the people I hang around with.
*******Nine inch nails:love is not enough****** I will be more focused for the next couple of updates I swear. Like this! Well done guys! Hope you are all well Dave
Yeah I know I am social services vampire and a drain on the economy but this is different! I was looking for something to do during the day....you know.....that period of time that was used for earning money. Yeah I have a job, well not a job as such, I am a Moderator on a website. I have joined the ranks to a rather dark side.
Now I know you may get the whole"blinded by the fact that there is porn there!" But dont judge to quick. It is a starting buisness that can turn into some good. I post on the forum side of things. If I feel there is something to add...I do. If I want to start a new link...I do. Its something. Its doing something. I love the whole mystic about vampire mythology. Its a great time to meet up with people and talk about everything from music to peoples drawings and strange photos. There are some great people there and I am having fun being involed in something. I can do it from home too! I am lucky to be introduced to this by Bobbeh, thanks mate. Ok not everyones cup of tea but I am having a great time! There is a lot of different groups there: Rockers,Goths, perverts,punks,true belivers, Mods, goth jewlery, bondage gear and the list goes on and on for all of eterntity Mwwhahahaha I do have to say over 18's in the UK and I think it over 21's in the US only please! I have added it to my blog roll too so I can get some rockers from here onboard. Its a bit of sexy fun. Come a give it a try! You dont have to believe in Vampires either just be open to other peoples if you do!
I have something to do....and there is ladies there too!hehe Bored....me..Nah!!! The ouch podcast is on number 5 I missed it sorry...I am disabled after all so you have to bear with me!teehee!>>>> Hope you all are well and not to scared! Dave
Right! Well yesterday was an eye opener! I am never doing an update when Jen leaves again!! My idea was to show how I feel from day to day....Its a diary after all and I want to be honest here. Some days I feel down, some days I feel elated and want you readers to know. I do feel fine today. Honestly!!!!
****Fleetwood Mac:The chain*****
Look, let me put it this way. When someone you love leaves and you have to do the rest of the day without that person with you. you get a bit upset. Jen is back here tomorrow and I will be happy that she is. Yes ms can bring around massive depresion but.......I am not! I am still here and loving every minute. I get low points in every day like everyone else. And I am sorry to say it but....So does everyone else. Its human to have these feelings. Its shit but we all have deal with our feelings as we get them. Thats where the fight starts for each ms'er out there. We just have a different shade to deal with than everyone else. We start every day with the same fight that no one else will be able to understand UNLESS WE TELL THEM! Please deont be scared to tell someone how your feeling as well as the pains you have everyday.
I don't bottle my feelings. Why should I? I AM HUMAN...DEAL WITH IT! I do!
I have to say a big thankyou to Jaime for being a friend and giving me a hug from abroad. I love you babe and your words are always a pleasure to hear and read. The first message I got when I turned on my computer where a bit of a shock but I thankyou all the same. Your a kind and wonderful woman and I am happy to be your friend. If I was closer to you I would ring you too!(I would probly do more than that but this is not where we will talk about that!lol)
This one is for my Dad. Captain beefheart and Frank Zappa:
Hope you enjoy it when you get back from your holiday. Enjoy the tune its one of the oldies but great! Hope you are all well(and happy!) Dave P.sI just had a thought...Have you gone to www.youtube.com and looked at some of the video diaries? Would you like to use your webcam and do a video podcast? I am tempted but I would need a confidence boost I think. Would you watch and what would you like to see? Let me know. Any tips Kim?(when your not as ill!)
Woke this morning with a happy feeling. When I rolled over, Jen opened her eyes and smiled back at me.....I want to feel like that for the rest of my life. I had a great night with her. We drank vanilla vodka and coke and I don't feel hung over at all. Just the regular ms twich when walking. I feel happy. Its when I thought back over my ms history, right back to November the 1st, I realized that another ms birthday looms. Nothing more depressing than realizing your fate. There is nothing I can do about it and I don't want anyone I love and care for to feel this way...Ever!
Now that's a depressing! I had some good news tho...Season 5 of 24 has been delayed but is on route!yey! Now I just have to get money to survive here on my own. I feel the need to keep everyone at arms length from me. Even Jen! I don't want to infect anyone with this hell. I have a fear that these feelings may break Jen and me up if I don't learn to control it. I love her so much.....Its sick I know!
I know this isn't my usual upbeat self....But its my diary. The neurologist never told me that confusion was in the down sides list for ms....But he did mention depression! My question is this...Why us,me?
Chemical unbalance....That's the technical term used for depression. Maybe time to cut the drinking down a bit! Depression sucks! I even thought about my ex this morning....God I am ill(I hope she is ok tho, you know...no ms!)!
I woke up singing this, this morning! Maybe I am going mad after all! I think its staying in this flat all the time that is to blame. I haven't shaved for two days! 'I am the walrus!!!!' I have to get myself cleaned up before Jen gets here. It is good living on my own but there has to be a time where normality kicks in and I have to clean up! Can I live the rest of my life as an adolescent? Please! Mind you if I had a choice then I would ask to be cured first! You know....covered in salt and stored. No no, no disease!
I think I have had this on here before...But there you go Faith no more:Epic!
But I am bored by Iggy Pop!
Two tunes to get you through the day!
Been out to the shops today to buy some milk....bring on the coffee!yey! 2 more sleeps till Jen gets back! I miss her so much. Its going to be a nightmare when she moves down south with her parents.....They need her more than I do! The needs of the many out wiegh the needs of the few and all! When they go....I go back to hell on my own! A new Dave will be born! Lonley but I will be ok! You might see the music change a bit but I will be ok! I love her so much its sick!lol
Its a good job I keep this blog as I wouldn't know where I was! Jen is coming back on Friday(YEY!!!) and I have nothing planned for the rest of the week.....Its probly a good thing realy.
I know I have to sort out a coucil tax bill after the rude letter I received this morning! I am awaiting my claim going through for council tax benifit so I know I will have to make some phone calls to sort that out.
The only stress I have today is the noise coming from roAD WORKS OUTSIDE! ITS A BIT LOUD WITH DRILLING THE F****** ROAD UP!!!!! Sorry, Just a bit wound up. Being woken up at 8:30 this morning can do that to me! Its ok really! I will get them back during there lunch break if they stay there. ROCK will be played! Mind you I wouldnt like to eat my lunch next to the road side....thats a sidewalk I guess!
Just going to spend the week relaxing I think...You might get music...might! *****Pixies:Crackerty Jones*****
*****By Jamie Cullum:What a difference a day made****** Not that Sunday is anymore relaxing than the rest of the week but I am rather relaxed today. Went to the shop, bought tea bags and coffee. It was painful and exhausting but I am back. I now have a video recorder to go with my dvd player so I can take it easy and watch tv......Oh joy! Sundays are ment for relaxing arnt they? Saving my plans for anything till later in the week.
(Tool:Stinkfist) And do I have control over it? Did I have control over it before diagnosis? Maybe that's the issue. I felt like life was running away from me before. I let someone control me in every aspect...I regained control over a few things then hit by ms. Now I cant control anything. Physically I can do something, on some days and not on other days. But there is one thing I can control and that's my love of music. I get weighed down by the fact that one day.....I am not going to be able to do anything....That scares me. One day just wake up and not be able to do anything apart from breathing.....That say's only one thing to me. Enjoy every aspect of your life now! I mean every f'ing thing!
Yes I am angry I have this disease but there is nothing I can do about it! So my plan is to have the best time getting off my pickle and loving every minute of this from now on! This past week has been testing that's for sure....But I am still here!
Be angry but be glad your here, Be depressed but be glad your here, Be anything but be the best you can be at it....While your here!
Just rember: ms is not a fatal condition
And your life is not pre-determined, your life is not supose to be like anyone elses! Its yours! Live with it! Hope your all well! Dave
Insurance........Sorry didn't mean to start an update with a swear word!
Your Insurance policy commenced on 02/09/04. We are unable to pay your claim as we find that this condition is 'pre-existing to the commencement date of your insurance......
errr no! I was diagnosed on the 01/11/04(they have proof of that!) I took out insurance,as above....JUST IN CASE!!!! So now I have to get all the notes together with a letter from my GP and send it to them....
I have done this so many times to try and make a claim with my benefits....There must be a better way than this! I feel like just giving up. Maybe if I lived in a box....Shit sorry! That's just not my way! PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA!
Great chant but I need help! Maybe a newspaper would be interested with this?
Man tries to claim insurance from the bank he works for and is told no as the banks got the date wrong???
It might go that way too once I get a solicitor on the case! THIS SUCKS BIG HAIRY BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry
How many things can I go through....How many changes are left? So many things in life are letting me down! Is there any gaurentee's? Just another life let down? I am going to my happy place:
Right I am going to pop in to everyones blog and make a comment today. What do you want out of life and what do you think we should do? To be honest I want to know what we should be doing. What do you want to happen and how can 'I' help you? Jumping out a plane was a bit of a trek, weather permitting and all. There must be something I can do with an active mind and a semi active body. Is this part of the hell of ms??? Ive got to be able to do something!!!! Tell me! It madness not doing something! Tell me what I should do PLEASE!!!!!!!! Do something today, just tell me! And if 1 of you says get a hobby I will crack! It seems that only 1 of you sent me a sound file so you dont want a theme tune to ms! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME???? Do you Care a lot? I cant work so give me something please.
I have left a message there to say thanks to them but I want to do it again so much. My pic isn't up yet but I will be checking every day. The video from the jump site is coming too but not yet finished! My dad is scanning the certificate and sending it to me soon so I will post when it gets here. I am still buzzing from the whole thing! Living on my own is such a bummer when I have something to shout about! I have even been asked for pic from Laura who works for the ms society and I could send her one!!!! Its coming honest!!!! ****Faith no more: Be Aggressive****
Name: personallog! Home: St. Annes, Lancashire, United Kingdom About Me:
I am 6ft 3" skinny and not well. I was diagnosed with ms in 2004 and I would like to speak with others who have ms. I have a want to raise money for ms charities. We have to find a cure for this hell!!!!
See my complete profile