Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Maybe I am growing up....wait for it!
I don't really know... but I get the feeling I want to be the best I can be for Jen and that will mean I have to make some changes for both of our lives...For the last 9 months I have had to think about me only just to get on with my life. I have done some stupid things which was ok to get me onto a good mental plane! I have to consider the future 'with' Jen and that's new to me! Its a fantastic feeling and I want to get more for us!

Why am I feeling this? Well I am thinking of changing my job to get better money, something that will last for the future....Last night I was thinking "what am I good at!" not what qualifications I have. The education I have is sporadic at best! But there is one thing I am good at....coaching people so they get the best for them! I have used this all my life to get the best for me if I am honest! I am using it on me now to get the best out of life! Well lets face it....no one is going to give it to me on the silver plater! Ok its going to be hard but I have the same rights to life dont I! So lets make a start....

WHAT IS YOUR MISSION: Get another job and more money!
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS: Now, but I have things to do first like re-training, re-education. I have to think about money and the possibility that I wont be able to travel to get into work...so I will have to consider that with any new job. SO...

WHAT IS YOUR MISSION?: Think about what I can do what I want to do and the possibilily of working from home and travel...oh and money!
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS?:....this is going to take a while isnt it?

Ok this is going to be a big thing for me to consider and I think I have to do it well! I am going to do it on paper and get what ever I come up with in motion...Just got to remeber the horrible capital lets and them shouting the WHAT,WHY,WHEN,WILL,HOW...scarey capital letters of sort your life out DAVE! I can do this I know I can.....SO CAN YOU! Being disabled doesnt mean life is over! It just means you have a different shade of shit to deal with! I believe in lead by example so....Watch this space! Bring it on!!! Not that I want to lead you! YOU LEAD YOU! Take control Dave and start looking for education and the next step! Need a wheelchair...go and get one! Need a life....go and get one! This is going to be interesting!
1st thing....driving!
Yet again Disabled Learner Driver! Got to get that Theroy test done first(yet again!passed first time but if you dont do the test within 2 years you have to do it again!) but my disability living allwowance pays for the car I will learn to drive in....it finds what you need to be able to drive. All I need then is the instructor from BSM to teach me to drive.....again!
If you need proof that the DLA(Disability Living Allowance) pays for a car Just look here!

I have got my theory test book on route I am going to do it!

Hope you are all well!
posted by personallog! @ 11:40 am   3 comments
Monday, January 30, 2006
Something tells me I need to be more organised!
Have you seen Kristina's blog! We are all there! Every ms soul who has a blog! Wow what a woman! I will put a link over there as she need to be in the hall of fame! There is so many things there that I want to cover in my blog too...ok she hasn't got music yet but I am sure she has music in her soul! I didnt blog over the weekend as I had a family meeting...pre-birthday and I had some washing to do also(cheers mam,I love you!). I got a pressie too.............. I GOT A GEORGE!!!!! Yey What a great idea so easy to use and its like BBQ in the kitchen...no smoke either! Its healthy as the fat is removed during cooking and I have an urge to cook on it staight away! I need to relax first tho as I have had a night with Jen and I am knackered!(Love you too baby!!) I have got two days to recover before she is back for my 30th birthday! Great way to see out my 20's I think!hehe!

Get this tho:I was born at 02:00 AM on the 2 Day of the 2nd month and I guess that my lucky number is 2 for some reason...dont know where that came from but it must mean something to someone. Any physics out there want to make a suggestion? Oh and I was a week late! Lazy or what!hehe! My mum said I was 10 pound 8 and had a massive head!lol If I had these big ears at the time I think I owe my mam a drink or two!lol! I guess I am going to stay up late on Wednesday and celebrate with a whiskey start the next 30 years of my life smiling...and I am going to get them too! or die trying! I plan to go out from this life the same way I came in......late, head first and smiling!lol! Right music and photo:

I owe Bobbeh a beer or two for being 7000 on here: this weekend for my birthday party yeah!

Hope you are all well!
posted by personallog! @ 7:25 pm   1 comments
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Bad hair day!!!!
**Deep Purple*****

I don't know what it is....but watching this reminds me of my ex!hehe!(bad hair!) I have found that some vids jump a bit....well a lot! If this happens there is some things you can do to stop it:

1. Let it play all the way through,jumping and all, then press play when it reaches the end and listen without jump....This is the cup of tea fix(go and make 1 while you wait!)
2. Follow Videocodezones hints and tips by installing mediaplayer 10 from Microsoft for free(you do this through your own control panel!)
3. Press stop and get on with your day....this is usually the"Dave I don't like your choice in music!" option!

All of these problem are quick fix and don't cover the fact you don't have broadband or you haven't got a fast PC....I think it has something to do with codex on media players.......I know!

I am well today and fancy getting out and about! Not to sure what to do, I am on holiday after all! What would you do with the last days of your 20's again?(that's if your over 30 ofcourse!)

The exuberance of youth eh!
Hope you all have a good day
Ahhh Scotland!
posted by personallog! @ 10:03 am   4 comments
Friday, January 27, 2006
2 want 2 jump!

I guess I am looking for comments on this for art type thing!....I like it! I just hope it stays like this till I do the jump....

There is allways something to do in the house!

chilled and jazzy
posted by personallog! @ 10:35 am   6 comments
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Darn it tag again!
Ground Rules: The first player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 Guilty Pleasures" and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their 5 Guilty Pleasures as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names

* 1. Beer....I er like a drink to celebrate errr being here!

* 2. Ciggeretts...I like smelling bad and not breathing properly

* 3. Sex.....err I am thinking this should be number 1!

* 4. Getting angry at the expense of people who are not disabled sitting in the disable seat..."get out of the f*cking chair!" goes down very well!hehe

* 5. Eating cholate.....lots of choclate....no I mean lots and lots of choclate....some people get the meat sweats...if its possible I am going for the cholate sweat! hmmmmmm chocoholic!
At this point I am supposed to tag 5 people but I think the general has tagged everyone! I choose Camile,Pocketpunk,Jen,localhost....Then I am a bit stuck! Be warned 1 extra person to be tagged!

I hate these things!lol!
posted by personallog! @ 6:09 pm   1 comments
Clean clean clean!!!
This could be a downside to living alone.....my kitchen floor! Its bad enough with the Elvis knee('s) but after so many parties in this flat it need to get done before I am 30!(Not worried about it at all are you dave!) I have bought this squidgie sponge on a stick that should be able to do it but its going to be a mission and a half as I have left it for so long! I wouldnt even pick up food and eat it after even touches the floor!(washing the food after it hits is not an option, straight in the bin!) I cant even walk on the floor in bare feet without wreching! Errrrg! Its just taking a while...2 by 2 foot then sit down then the next step after a rest...Once its done I feel it will be fine for my mum to come round without her freeking out and going into cleaning mode! Its going to take me all day!

Put on some tunes and attack!!!!!!!!!!!
Is this a new Dave? Clean the flat dude!hmmmmm
No wonder Jen hasnt moved in yet this is flithy! I think I need to start working on my body too I feel like a wimp! The thing is I will have to hoover soon too! The british expression for this "I am going to built like a brick shit house" after I finish this flat!
Its just cleaning a flat! Hoovering has been done too! I have started something that I wont finish tho!hehe
Hope you are all well(and cleaning too!)

Just had a thought...I know I know....I think I want to get more pics on here you know arty farty stuff... I wont hit you straight away with the wierd stuff! below is a pic of me and it shows how much wieght I have lost...not a great pic but:
posted by personallog! @ 12:01 pm   7 comments
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
There hasnt been much going on.....
I took this holiday as I would have lost them from work if I didnt do take them(does that make sence????It totally confused me too!) Now I am on it....I dont know what to do with it apart from sit down a watch tv! Isnt that what I do on a sick day anyway! Why havent I gone out.....BECAUSE ITS FREEZING!!!!!!!!!!!! Its cold in the house too! Its like I cant win!

Summers here I cant move!(well not in the right way!) Winters here and its bloody freezing....and I cant move You would think the autum would be fine but NO to many leaves on the ground to get a stick to have any traction so what do I do.....stay in and dont move! Anyway there is some light today and its not raining so I cant complain(too much!) It will give me some time to get some food in me and beef myself up abit. I and loosing weight and that never a good sign.....lots of pasta and working out has to be on the cards for me. Just got to remember my princess is coming next week to help me celebrate my 30th birthday! I have to get fit for the gig in may as I dont intend on missing that for anything! Time for some rock!hehe!

Got a dvd in the post today, I know my mam will tell me off because she is looking for presents....for my birthday but I couldnt miss this purchase.Dresend dolls live gig there rendition of War Pigs is the best I have ever seen!!!! Yeah bring on the staying in! Must leave some feedback on ebay!hehe!
Hope you are all well!
posted by personallog! @ 8:52 am   3 comments
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
We had an internet baby>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I have just realized I haven't plugged our internet baby...Babbeh(in manc speak or bobbeh speak!hehe) Its over there>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You can get a chance to hear from Jen direct and as there is some great tunes that mean something to us both! We met on the internet we dated on the internet then things moved over to real life as well. If your a long time reader I am sure you want to know a lot about Jen from her point of view(I do updates there too!) so come on have a look! She reacts verry well to comments.....and that's all I can say about that!hehe! Its a budding relationship as you may have read here but its best when you can hear both sides to the story isn't it? I love her(as you know) and its hard when she cant move into mine straight away so some of it may be abit sappy at first but I am sure she will want to do it just as much as I do my own!

I think I have to do a lot of romantic things to keep it going when she isn't here so the first things first(as they say!) Dresden dolls tickets for the 6th of may have been ordered and they are en route! Manchester Academy! Its been ages since I went there last. I cant wait to see the band either! But something tells me that's not enough there has to be something more I can do.....She is meeting my family the weekend after my 30TH BIRTHDAY so I have to think fast. I will leave yesterdays music on here as its cool and shows you what we will be seeing in May! I am still off work(it feels weird to type that and not report in sick!) and I am finding thing to do round the house but I know that will run out soon! If I bathe or wash my hair much more I will shrink in the wash! Not getting much pain at the moment too I guess I have found a regular routine and its working! For the first time in years I feel happy to be alive and its great! I will concentrate on ther things here in future I swear!

Hope you are all ok

Sounds like men have a worse deal.....we told you so!
Click the link to see why!(or maybe we complain louder!) Equaly knackered in my book and I have a stick at 29 too!tut!
posted by personallog! @ 11:13 am   4 comments
Monday, January 23, 2006
So I start my birthday holiday for 3 weeks!yey!
Its weird...I am off work and didnt have to call in and tell them I am sick! I know its going to be a strang couple of weeks for me.....I am going to be 30! It scared me at first....but I know I cant do anything about it...so let it be eh! Just another number! I means on filling in forms I select and next age group up! So what!

There are more impressing things I need to deal with! Like finance! Now Jen is with me will she be responsible for any debt that I leave behind me! Hmmmmm. Do I have to show my age and start sorting out my debt? I think so. Its strange to have to take someone else into my debt. I had all my debt covered by insurance anyway so I have been spending loads to keep myself happy! Music, dvd's, books and more and more beer! I have to get this sorted now! I have worked out it is now standing including loans and stuff at about 10 K! Shit!

Well in a bit of crap.... I have savings(personal) and bank savings share plan...problem sorted for my side of the debt in november this year! But I need to start a savings plan for the both of us...for our future! My god Dave the adult! When did that happen!!! I cant walk far(you mean you cant run away from debt Dave!) but I know I have another reason to return to work and I am going to do it! I so want to make her happy! I need to sort out some insurance to....I wonder whats available for the afflicted! There is going to be a stand at this ms convention I told you about showing insurance....I cant wait to have a look! If I find out some good links for the ms'er they will be put on here I promise!

I am looking forward to the future for the first time in ages...and I am no longer worried! I have someone to hold my hand in the scarey moments and that makes me smile ...no longer single! I have to be the man again...ok for the first time maybe but the feeling is good! A new braver Dave...what can I do now!(Jumping out of a plane seems stupid now eh!hehe) I know I am not just doing things for me anymore.....and I like that! I think this blog is going to take another turn...for the better! Meeting the parents is going to be fun! Weekend after my birthday we are going to my Mam and Dads and I cant wait to show off my girl(my girl! that sounds great!) See no matter how bad ms gets we are still human and we do still have a life....ok I am disabled and there isnt anything I can do about that but I am going to give life my best shot! Isnt that the idea?

Jen got me the Dresden Dolls album for a present and my god its amazing! I have to get her something.....I know I am going to try and make her smile as good as mine!(LOVE YOU BABE!)
God its been a lovley day, everythings been going my way, I had so much fun today and I am on fire!(Dresden Dolls!) Love ya babe!xxx Tickets for the gig have to be ordered!

Hope you are all well!

****Ahhh crap just found out Jen is giving up smoking! Damb that means I am going to have to do it too! Just bought 100 too! I had better start soon eh!****

Spoke to Cheeky Camille today!hehe! Funny girl! gave me some things to look into too! look after yourself girly no driving tho you sound dangerouse!hehe!Love ya babe!xx
posted by personallog! @ 10:08 am   9 comments
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Should I really be happy she left?
Damb right! I am sorry for him but so happy for me which makes a change! We have started are blog too! there are a couple of probs with the code but we have time for that! Can I be the best me for her.....DAMB RIGHT!!!!!!

All the saddness has passed and a new frontier has started....dark but a warm feeling...well we will see eh! Not much to report apart from I am sicking happy...if am honest I think she is too but goths hide it well!hehe!

She wont stop feeding me either! It rocks! I am so going to get my wieght back soon!
Hope you are all ok! I feel fantastic!
posted by personallog! @ 2:10 pm   4 comments
Saturday, January 21, 2006
The beautifull people!
****Mariylin manson:Beautiful people****

Got a text from Jen this morning that said she had been up all night in hospital because of her boyfriend! He had tried to take an overdose....is she going to leave him now.....????? Who knows? What a beatiful person! Did he do it because of me? Did he do it because of me and Jen or is it a cry for help? As if there isnt enough on my plate give me some more shit to deal with! Is there supposed to be so much crap in the world that we arnt suppose to have it easy?

This is too much for me to deal with I feel the need to run away and start again! This is too dark a place for me to get on with my life I need to see light at the end of the tunnel! I need to get rid of this disease.....I need to get a beer in me and drown this.....when can I have some peace from this nightmare that is my life! I need to get the lust for life back! (Damb iggy Pop!) But he is right! I think its the basis for PMA isnt it! I think I need to concentrate on me for a bit if she isnt going to leave him.....How can I be good for someone else if I am not looking after me! Listen to my heart....it says build a wall to protect yourself...then build a box and climb in lock yourself away and hope for the best! What would you do in this situation? I need help before I loose my mind! I dont want to do the normal quotes....If you love someone set them free...there are plenty more fish in the sea....I love her and want her here! Do I have the right to be with someone with this disease...Do I have the right to be happy? I really am having trouble with this! Can I walk away from happyness with this walking stick? This place is too familiar....how women scar me....Sinead all over again! Pain in every color....is single life where I want to be at all....I think the answer is no! How can I consider marrage when she has someone else to look after? If it was a kid it would be different, they are part of the person....but a boyfriend?

Trauma! I think a hair cut is needed! bring on the speed dating(like thats not a good idea Dave!) The comedy club is probly a better idea! I can pull myself out of this I am sure....I have out of worse!(on a daily basis!)

Confussed(I promise no more marlyn manson! It should be the Cure really!)
posted by personallog! @ 2:29 pm   2 comments
Friday, January 20, 2006
A whole community of sick people!
There is loads of us!!!! To many in my eyes! 2 million people over the planet have ms! 2 million that know they have it! I think it might be a good idea to look for you guys! Camile has been a great help to me as allways! She showed me www.myspace.com and it looks like I might have to join you guys and not the other way arround.... so here I am if you want somewhere to start to bitch at me! I want to sign up on a few chat pages for ms! There apears to be loads! Just to chat to you guys in the states! There is a thing on tysabri one person is involed in.....I will get back to you on that!

But more Locally(Kim!Geography babe!) Its in my country....the other side but its in my country! Ealing Reports are looking for you! 200 of you guys....Welcome!

But closer to my home...IN MANCHESTER(kim!) is this!(click here!) is the the manchester conference for the ms society! I am going and hope to lend a dvd recorder so I can get some information for ya! If I record it I will remember it then! I have to thank Kim for the reminder on this(I did put it up before now I am sure!) I love ya babe! Keep the podcast coming please! I dont think I could do one as good as you two! Great job! I would just fill it with music and get arrested for breaking publication laws!

Right the diary bit: I have called in sick today again after a great start to the week. If I am honest I think the emotional trauma with Jen is getting to me. Its the waiting game I think thats really hard! I love her like I have never loved anyone before and thats the scarey part! Am I falling to quick? Is this scaring her too? I have to speak to her about it. Why isnt it easier if two people love each other and plan to life together for life? I guess thats just life and its wonderfull colors!(there looking pretty dark at the moment!) We will see eh!

Hope you are all well

Video from one of my favorite horror movies SAW! What a movie! Watched it again today!:
***The hand that bleeds****
posted by personallog! @ 9:48 am   0 comments
Thursday, January 19, 2006
So confused!
There are a couple of things here which are throwing me!

1st I got this from Amanda who gave me the impression she was "an against" vote and now I guess she is "up for it" (not like that Dave!tut!) and after reading the blog-esk type updates from the guy it looks great till he gets cancer as a by product to his treatment. Cancer is harsh and yes 1 in 3 of us will get it (norms as well!) but the chance will be increased by doing stem cell treatment it seems. I can understand this point, I still smoke so I am doing the risk calculations every day(the barage of anti smokers jump in!) and I am not a doctor at the end of the day! I cant pre-empt what is going to happen to me without going for this treatment anyway....ms is a bitch!(drag in the single moms too eh!) It may have given me a sence of humor(vote still open on that one mate!) but I think its a case of getting a longer life with a greater 'chance' of a harsher disease! But isnt that just like this life in the first place!.....I think this is going to be a hard issue for me! I have read that bone marrow transplant will help an ms'er anyway as it premotes the bodies ability to produce myline....I am just so confused!This doesnt help!click here! Thanks sis!x

Then add the Jen issue to the equation for a messed up head! Ms sucks! I have just rung into work and called in sick! I think I need a day of me time to sort my head out! Bring out the dvd's of self pity and alien war! Recharge the batteries I think! Dont worry I will be ok I just want something that goes smoothly....1 day eh!

I will put music on here after I get a coffee! Ok here is something new to my collection:
***System of a down - Hypnotise****
My favorite track from this album is Vicinity of Obscenity....it the whole terricotta pie thing that tickels my funny bone! Great tunes from the boys here!
Hope you are all ok
posted by personallog! @ 7:47 am   5 comments
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
The ethical argument to stem cell therapy!
ok have look at this www.stem-cells.com/cord.exe I can understand the whole 'I have kids' arguement to this and from reading the file they dont harm the kids! The process is a bit wierd to me but when you wiegh up the "possible" benifits it looks good to me! I havent found one down side yet....the travelling to sweden and the price might be a pain in the ass(close Dave its in the thigh you have to look at!) but there isnt anything that would make me want to take a second look.....apart from.....the process is like a bone marrow transplant(they put it back in with the stem cells!) and it is an opperation! I havent had an opperation before and I know there are a few people out there who have(Amanda's medi-port ect ect) and I know it will be painfull! Its not a cure its a therapy so will it be hard decision to make! There is allways a chance that I wont come back from that table and thats hard to get my head around! Its the same with any surgery isnt it?

Do I start the ball rolling to raise cash so 'I' can get the benifit? Michelle is waiting to hear from a director level decision on this(if the buisness will put money in or not!) so I have some time to make my own choice "If I want to" or not! I would like to use that time talking to you guys and what "you think" of this therapy! Yes I still have to wait to see my nero to see what he thinks(I need a doctors input on this!) but reading up on it wont get a personal input will it? please do tell me I am scared and value my friends input too! There has to be some light to this hell doesnt there?

Worked 1/2 day today and did the half mile walk to the tram stop to get into work! It wiped me out but its good exercise and I feel I can do it again all week!(whats left of it!) Its very important to me now! I think I need it....which is weird!

The Jen thing is getting messy! She hasnt left him yet! She still lives with him and I am worried! I love her so much it hurts every day I dont see her! I will keep you advised as usual! Man with ms trying to start a new relationship....I will get there with her one day! Sorry this is a long update! Its the Nizlopi Gig tonight too! What a way to break a young mans hart,If she goes without me! Nizlopi are our band not theirs!

wash away, wash away,
the sound of all these sad days,
the sound of the wind blowing and,
say you'll be here always and,
this is all I'm hopin' for,
but it's what I'm waiting for

Nizlopi 2005 FDM Records
****She went to the gig...without me! She went with her boyfriend....Hmm prepair for the down side dave!****
Hope you are all well

***MAN ON FIRE (Burning Souls)*****

I might want to see that! The start up music is fantastic! Just for a listen! Enjoy!
posted by personallog! @ 2:07 pm   3 comments
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
feeling proud this morning....
Dont know why really! It might have something to do with the duvetbeing lovley and warm...and its mine! I bought it over the weekend with pillows (hark at Dave prepairing the nest!) Its just nice to get a reminder once in a while to say "your doing this by yourself Dave" I had so many feelings over the past few weeks that have scared me....what am I saying over the last year its been scarey but I am doing it! I think concetrating on the things I have done is a good way to keep me out of depression. Yes there are things that could go better but thats life isnt it?

Well I am going into work this morning and I have a drink planned at the weekend....I think I am still living a life like "normal people" and it feels good. Ok so my girlfriend is living with someone else at the moment and my head is up my arse about that but I feel pride in what I am doing by myself....at the moment! I am sure I need to work harder to get my life in order but I am thankful that I have life, isnt that the idea? Tomorrow might be hell but right now, this second I am happy to be alive! All it took was a duvet. It was bought with my mam and dad as they pushed me round a store in a wheelchair.....its on my bed in my flat and I was thinking of the girl I am in love with! Crazy isnt it! If....if she hurts me I think I will be ok because I found something no one can take away from me.....its me! Is that weird or what? Being proud of yourself....strange...allmost alien to my usual train of thought!

Well I have to go to work so I may add to this later when I finish! Speak later

***Finished work at 15:00 today and I felt I belong there! Its strange but I think I would call it a good day! I am looking forward to work....thats strage enough but I dont feel I am doing it for anyone else either! Just me! Weather it has anything to do with the all girl team, I just dont know! There was only one moment that brought me down to earth was when I was told about the ms society is holding a conference in manchester in april and I think I will go If your in the UK drop in and you may see me! Have a look here if you fancy it! Its right next to my work too(at the G-MEX!) So it will be easy for me to get to! There was one thing that Michelle told me today that knocked me off my feet! She suggested raising more money but the idea of sending ME abroad......for stem cell therapy!!!!!!!!!!! WTF(what the....) She read it in a magazine that one company sent a member of staff who has ms and she is feeling the benifit straight away! She can walk now! I will look into it and report here what I find! But....I cant believe it! Please do take a look at the case study in that link!What an idea! I think I want to do it after reading the ms case studies!I better concentrate on getting to work more and showing my face more offtern!Wow! What a day! Up and coming updates me thinks! What do you think?

Hope you had a good one too!
posted by personallog! @ 7:35 am   6 comments
Monday, January 16, 2006
Ive been tagged!
I've been tagged!!!!
thanks Amanda, I love doing these things because honestly I really have nothing better to do!!!!

Four Jobs that I've had:
1. Chef
2. Paperboy
3. Network Manager
4. Barman
Four movies I watch over and over again:
1.American History X
2. True romance
3. Matrix
4. Withnail and I

Four Places I've lived:
1. Cramlington North east england
2. St Annes on sea
3. Basingstke
4. Manchester

Four T.V. shows I watch:
1. X-files
2. Porage
3. 24
4. Any star trek

Four Places I've been on vacation:
1. Goa/India
2. Spain
3. Germany
4. Amsterdam

Four websites I visit daily:
1. all my fellow bloggers
2. www.msrc.co.uk
3. www.google.co.uk
4. msn.com

Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. In bed
2. The Pub
3. In bed with Jen
4. In the pub with Jen
Four bloggers I'm tagging:
1. Camile
2. Em
3. Vix
4. Eric

The questions is....who do I tag next?
Dave(18.34 16/01/05)
posted by personallog! @ 6:11 pm   0 comments
David Wharrier the inspiration???? I dont think so!!!
got into work this morning and saw a collegue who also has ms(your looking great by the way chick! Blond hair looks great on you chick!x) and she said
"Your an inspiration to me Dave!" and all I could think was what drugs are you on! How could I be that highly regarded? I mean......me! So I asked her
"Why, I dont understand!"
She said "Everytime I see you your smiling and you allways have something on the cards to prove your happy! Raising money to help me and people like me"(I think the smiling bit is Jens fault!)
I dont understand how that can inspire......does it? Its just me with all my faults....... I am not a role model or anything if I want to reach that status I have to do more than jump out of a plane!....yes I have done abit but it cant be enough surley....well there is no cure yet and I have pissed one or two people here(I could have done that better!hehe!) but I didnt realise I could inspire with a smile! I am far too ugly and stupid to be that picture perfect!

I know her ms gives her vertigo and I dont think I could do that(well it wouldnt help with the plane jump!hehe)! Got a hug and a kiss on the cheek and I smiled all the way home...I think I will keep swearing off here just in case I inspire any of you! It was great to get some face 2 face feedback and I think I will pay more attention to the ms public now! Not do what you say tho! Just pay attention to you! That being the case.....what do you think I should do next?

Oh while I was at work today(1/2 day) I was told that they are going to nominate me for an award so they can give more money too the jump!yey! There is a staff magazine (so pic oppertunity!) and it will raise more awareness and hopefully money!
I even got an email from Vix saying that she has passed the link to this blog to some who has this dambed disease and can I help him? I dont know! I will try my damedest mate so get in touch!

Just want some restbite from this disease for everyone who has it!Hope you are all well!
posted by personallog! @ 2:21 pm   4 comments
Sunday, January 15, 2006
top weekend!
****System of a down****

Just a tune! No video I am afraid! Cool tune all the same!

Had a great Jazzy weekend with my dad listening to Frank Zappa and chair bopping! I could not get Jen out my head at all! I just hope she know what she is getting herself into! Thanks for the good wishes girls it means alot to me! I am a bit older than last time I had a girl friend and I have time to think about it! I know I have to get my ass to work and pay some bills! I know wishing for good luck doesnt mean it will happen``. We will see eh! I am not resting till she is here no matter what I say on here! Yes if it does work out.....great! If it doesnt......so be it! If I am working and earning money I will pay of some bills and start saving for that rainy day! Maybe this is a start of an older wiser Dave! Anyway enjoy the tune and have a great day!

posted by personallog! @ 7:52 pm   1 comments
Friday, January 13, 2006
What a great day! Prelude to jump?
****Matrix trailer*****American History X trailer****

Two of the dvd's out of my collection! No music today just an idea that I thought I would hit on this year! I couldn't find a Withnail and I video but I think reviews are on the card for these two soon! I was going to put on a Deftones track on but these two movies will do great!

Right why is today so good! Well I have been in to work and told everyone my plans with Jen. Something tells me they didnt think I could get a girl friend never mind a fiance! The shocked face was different to when I told them I had ms! Well if anything I just want to show you guys that even though you are disabled you can still live a life.....but Jen is mine so hands off!hehe! Today was great because I love shocking people! When they think you cant do something and you do it better than them! Oh halloween wedding has to be done and I have found a couple of rings too! I am not showing you yet I want Jen to choose first! Just a hint though...Platinum ring with dimonds looks cool(very Goth I think with celtic setting!) but it needs the lady E to check it first! I just got a text from her which made me smile!:
"the thing is, id rather spend £50 on a ring and use the rest to build are life!I want you not a ring!"....

I told her about my share plan with the bank I work for and that was going to pay for it........and she doesnt want to spend it yet! Jesus! I have found the woman of my dreams!

We are going to get tattoo's for the day too! Romantics.....cant live without us!

My god she is SO married to me! I want the best for her allways! I am so happy! I feel like I could do anything! Bring on the jump.....as long as the weather holds! Fingers crossed eh!

Just got call from the jump site to say the take off point is bog washed and.....they are putting it back to the 18th of feb! After the nightmare of my 30th (its the 2nd of feb by the way)birthday! There is no better way to say this......shit! I knew today was going too well! At least the Magic is back in my life!

Hope you are all well

Just out of interest on the religon frount it gave me some clarity....some!

giggle for the day: On Ghandi's first visit to the western world a reporter braved the first question he asked "what do you think of western civilisation?"
"yes, I think that would be a good idea."
posted by personallog! @ 3:53 pm   5 comments
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Who was I kidding?
Got up this morning and I feel terrible! I have to get the pain relief leveled out! Its great to know that they are there but it can be a bit too much if your not careful. Its great that I have the responsibility to self medicate but not having a great amount of medical knowledge you have have to be very careful! Yesterday was great and I feel it went very positively but if the down side is feeling like this then its got to be leveled out!

I rang into work and reported in sick and didn't take a duvet day as I said I would yesterday. I will also have to let Vix down too but that might be for safety reasons there!hehe! I still want to meet up with her and I think I want to spend time with anyone who is doing something to raise cash and fighting there own battle. I don't know whether jumping out of a plane is going to be enough for me...I want to find out who is doing the best research really and help them raise cash, does that make sence? Yes what I am doing will help ms nurses in this country and it will help people with ms in turn, but I feel like I could do so much more to help find a cure. While I still can! I need to keep focus aswell as my head is trying to do so many things at once... I have to get the jump out of the way then concentrate on what to do next. I am sorry guys but I am not doing the men any favors in multi tasking argurment!

I think fighting the small fight first(that means me) will be more of a benifit to everyone in the long run. Raising discussions on religon is not going to help anyone in the ms field so I am going to stop doing that type of update in the future. I am sorry if I offended anyone! I think focus on what is going to be a benifit and raising awareness of best working practises will be better! That being the case I am thinking of opening as second blog(more work but it will clear the maddness from here!) and use this one as an informative ms collection of my daily investagtion and my struggle with this disease. Then if you want to learn about my social life you can go to that one! My love and personal life will be on that one too! Do you agree? Let me know before I start it...dont want to do more work if its not needed.

This 'more focus' is scaring me but I think is needed! Maybe doing a title might be a good idea! This one stays as: ms not just a diary(so this stays as a point of reference for ms based things) but the second blog with my diary bits,Jen, swearing, nudity, flith, music ect ect in it needs a name...any suggestions? I was thinking :The disabled need for a normal young life!

Yet again let me know what you think to get the dirt out of here!
Hope you are all ok!
**weather watch for the jump looks good so far but its going to be cold***
things you would see on my otherblog:
****NIN:That hand that feeds*****
things you would see on this blog: Tovaxin
posted by personallog! @ 8:48 am   8 comments
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Mid life crisis at 29!
Yes you read that right! Mid life crisis at 29! Disprove it! Dont worry I am over it! I had today off and was just about to start wollowing in self pity when I got a call from a beautifull young lady saying she is coming round to cheer me up!(Jen!) If anyone knows what self pity is about.....just ask a goth!hehe! Well I am happy again!

The thing is I was happy last night....I watched a movie on tv you may know it...City Slickers! It had one thing about it which made me smile the lead charecter was looking for his smile. It made me think about my own! Where "had" it gone(please note the past tense) I allways wanted to be a cowboy.(stop laughing!) It just made me think about my life and what I want to do with it! Whats stopping me doing the things that are life goals! Nothing! That being the case I am taking off tomorrow as a duvet day(day off from work when they ask no questions and it does not go down as a sick day!) and what am I doing with this day off(legs permitting!) I am going for a beer with a porn star!

No really I am going to manchester airport and meeting up with Vix for a beer or twoI am looking forward to meeting Vix as we have talked quiet a bit by email but you never know the person untill you meet them in real life! I have never met her in real life before and it will be a life goal out of the way(autograph from a porn star!)! I will try and get a photo...a clean one not porn! I want to to speak to her about her ms and what she is going to do next to shock the internet public! That is most of my goals done(well teenager ones anyway!)! Jump out of a plane this weekend, second goal, and what can I do next?

What have I got to be unhappy about? I have to thank the general for reminding me about PMA! Possitive mental attitued...thats how I met Jen and I forgot that! She did cheer me up today too! I feel like I can do anything when she is with me! She has keys to my flat now and I cant wait to see her again! It was funny seeing her reaction to the Vix drink thing! It was really great to make plans with Jen about the future...you know...getting married,living together and getting tattoo's learning to drive together, an on-looker would be sick it was so.....right! I love you babe!xxxxxxx

I am much better than I have been for days! this PMA rocks!

Hope you are all well!
Dave with his magic back!
posted by personallog! @ 5:29 pm   0 comments
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Pain or maddness?
I hate this feeling! Got pain take pain killers. Taken pain killers prepair for drug induced maddness! Whats the difference? Whats the greater good? Do I sit in pain or do I sit and drown in saddness? This sucks! Did a half day at work today and all I can think(yet again!) is why? This is a bad place to be! Depression sucks big style!

I am better than this I know I am. I am intelegent enough to realise the complex situation this disease brings....maybe thats the problem! I dont like hate and I dont have a bad bone in my body but something bad is happening to me! I am 29 and should be out there living a life of a kid. Being stupid and living life to the full.....but no!

If I had something or someone to blame I would be fighting the good fight but I dont have anything! I can even blame myself for a miss spent youth! I am still in my youth! Right now I should have a fear of getting old and trying to hide the gray hairs but I am looking forward to getting more gray hair and will wear it with pride to say at least I got this far!

How do I challenge this? Do I get in touch with the doc to get anti depression tablets...hmm no! I am putting so many drugs into my system as it is I want to give my liver a chance! So what can I do about it....I guess I just grin and bear it!
It will be ok when I work it out! I just know there is someone out there saying "If you only had God on your side"....hmm! I have a belief in something and I am too polite to place it in here!
Some Korn for breakfast I think! Anthrax for lunch anyone?(childhood tunes for a better time in my life! I know thats not science working at its best!)

Hope you are all well
posted by personallog! @ 2:20 pm   4 comments
Monday, January 09, 2006
Where do I believe a cure is coming from? Or the tea pot theory!
I have just watched a program which has cleared my thoughts on a couple of things involving religon and this blasted disease and all other disease! The Root of all evil on channel 4 (uk) re-affirmed my belief in science. This may offend some people.....well everyone who has a belief in a religon...in any religon but I dont believe that there is a god who will cure the masses. I think we have to look toward science for the answers. If you think my faith has been rocked because of this disease I would say to you that religon has installed morals and a sence of right and wrong in society. When humans needed it but I think now that we have grown up(or we are growing up) as a race of humans we need to keep learning and go to the next step of curing the world of disease/povity and wrong in the world!

We are intellegent people like everyone else on earth and I think everyone has the right to live life. I am not saying I am going to change anything in my life as it is! I am not saying that people have to wear certain clothing to cover there women! I am not saying that we should raise millions of dollars (20 million dollars for a church is a bit much!)to create a church so we can pray. What I am saying is that we have got a disease and its terrible(2.3 million last count and its growing everyday!)! Its not as terrible as the cancer of religon(is responsible for more death than we can count!)!

Its not as terrible as the cancer of religon!

Then we go back to the....imagine that there is no disease! Imagine there is no hate in the world, no war no people die'ing for things we can change! Imagine just imagine! I will probley get all americans switching off from here on in and for that I am sorry because I have spoken to some amazing people and I hope your not too offended! Science comes high in my "beliefs"! The tea pot second!hehe!

I dont want to cause offence but thats what I believe! Please discuss I would love to hear your view point(that how a scientist goes)! Its probley internet suicide but I am not here to get fame, I want to raise awarness of the disease and hopefully my experience with it will help others with there own nightmare! Am I being realistic or am I bitter that the church has more money than the people who are looking for a cure?

Be well and please leave your view point! Thankyou!
posted by personallog! @ 9:11 pm   8 comments
Karma! How to achieve nirvana!
What have I done to get this disease?(hmm we get back to that later Dave!) Is it something from my past? I don't think I have done anything to deserve this.....Can I prepare my body for the next step? The answer I believe is NO! Yes I can try and work out, that will make me feel better in the short term but it doesn't get rid of the disease. I will still have it in my nervous system.....I will still have this infection! It will still get worse before I get some restbite! I now know where that "oh I am sorry to hear that" face comes from....It comes from knowing they cant help! There is no cure for for this hell.....well that isn't exactly true is it! We have to have that face, that knowing face, that I know something you don't face! I think each ms'er out there knows that we confuse the doctors by surviving and getting on with our lives. I think that every time I get that face or that tone of voice I am going to say a big F*CK YOU TO MS!

I need to be able to look at myself with pride and say "I did that" or "I made that" or even "that was me!" I think what I am trying to say is I need to get on with my life, I need.....MY LIFE BACK!

And Daves blog turns back the clock by 6 months! I am sorry if this is like racking up old ground! My blog is also MY diary! I think I am aloud! TIME TO VENT ALL THAT HATERED FOR THIS F*CKING DISEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why....just why?

I have come to terms with my past....I am coming to terms with present life,its just the future that needs a kick in the ass before I can achieve the nirvana bit! Got to get rid of the fear, I think I need a weapon!......of mass destruction!
****Faithless:weapon of mass destruction******
Music is my weapon!(And what a weapon you are dave!)
Be good...if you can't be good....be carefull

***Update at 15:00 on the same day! Just got back from the doc's and I picked up pain killers:amitriptyline 25mg and co-dydramol (dihydrocodeine tartrate and paracetamol)500mg also picked up some sponsership (£20) good on ya girls you do a fine job there!(I also got told off for finding a girl friend too! they had set up 3 dates for me!hehe!) I have decided the annoyed dave is too ugly so we wont see much more of him I promise! I dont like the swearing either! Its just not cricket! I got a copy of the highway code today and I plan on showing you all that being disabled doesnt mean that we cant live like the rest of the populus! Driving just has to be done! Wish me luck! Sorry about the swearing I think it just shows the effects of pain! I hope I dont offend!
posted by personallog! @ 10:13 am   0 comments
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Ever had the feeling your going to get hurt?

Time for the clean up of the party madness! Half cans of beer,glasses of god knows what, empty packets of crisps and sweets litter the front room and what is that smell? Did I have a good time...my god did I! I am sure the neighbors wont be happy! Great way to start the new year. Start as you mean to go on! I am getting to old for this I swear. They say your only as old as the woman you feel...I guess that makes me 24 again! I hated 24...25 was great but 24 again....let me get over the weekend first!!

Jen stayed for the night(thats why you get H.I.M for the music!) and it was different this time. Made me think abit. Jen was fantastic as usuall I love her to bits....I just feel abit out of sorts about the situation....she said she had to lie to stay over....I dont like the thought of that! I dont want to put any pressure on her but my god she should be here and not have too! We have talked about wedding plans and allsorts....we even have a track listing for the DJ.You know, slow dance stuff! Even got a date for the wedding...Halloween 2007(surprize!)! IT just seems to get harder everytime she leaves to go back to her normal life! I know she is hurting too and I dont want to make out that she is bad in anyway....I just have the feeling that if I push it then she could just walk away! We have talked about moving in to my flat or getting are own. I know its going to be a couple of months before that happens but there is money and a dog to sort out...its just messed up! I would rather have this shit to go through first and get it out of the way but I want to start getting happy soon! Just hang over blues me thinks! Goth hangover blues....damb!
I am listening to jazz this morning...Jamirquai...picking up cans to the beat! I will be here for her when she is ready....well I love her...but why does it hurt so much! Got shirt ready for the morning as going to work! Oh I got my pc sorted out! Got a new hard drive too! 80 gig external drive and my printer is working too!yey! Hope you like the tune and hope you all have a good week! A a note for Bobbeh...dont worry about the broken picture frame....I will get rid of the broken glass too!

Have good one!

Maybe this guy has the right idea for finding a damb cure..go for it Mellor Map that cure
posted by personallog! @ 1:06 pm   3 comments
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Its the weekend!!!!
****NIN-Head like a hole****

Like I need another!lol! Well I am going to be in the same flat drinking but....there is going to be people here! The people are close mates! I am looking forward to it! Jen is coming too!yey! She may be in the firing line tho! I am getting 'antsy'(if that's a real word)! I need her here!

Anyway the music above reminds me of a few nights out in Blackpool in a club called Jenks, there was so many nights when this tune was on! Jen loves NIN too so who knows about the future eh!

I did have a computer problem yesterday and I thought the harddrive on my PC was reaching its demise! But I got my engineer's head on and fixed it!!! I asked my older brother what was up with it and he said I may need to replace it....but no! It might be user error in the first place but I fixed it! I think it might be a good idea to back up every thing I have in the future. I really dont want to go through putting all my cd's on to the computer again. That would take about a week! Why do I tell you about this? Well backing yourself up with anything your doing is allways a good idea isnt it?

So on the search for new drugs and new practices I know I have to keep up with the copaxone every day(even when hung over!)
Hope you all have a good weekend
posted by personallog! @ 6:54 am   0 comments
Friday, January 06, 2006
Amanda! I love you chicken!
I know I have been going on about pain for a bit but it is a big thing for us isnt it? The whole if my legs worked, if I could balance, if I could type....it all come doen to pain management! As suggested by Amanda(love you chick!) I started to look into drugs....where is the best place to start? At home! What have I got in the cabinate?

Well its pretty scarey to be doing this but you have to check when you legs are not your own! When you hit your pain barrier! Get your own way!

Now Amanda's suggestion was Amitriptyline....the main thing that jumps out on the box...."Aviod alcoholic drink!" Yes I have some in my cabinate allready...my doc prescriped it to help me sleep and to act a mild pain killer too....well I was scriped for both reasons....be very carefull that you dont over prescribe you self..... I have just finished a night on it....great night sleep but I feel stoned today! I think I will stick to paracetemol for general pain and hit 25mg of Amitripline if having difficulty sleeping! My doc has given me a script for 50 mg but he has left it upto me to self perscibe when pain is heavy!

I think Amitripline is used alot for loads of different ailments looking at the instructions! I have been on the phone to the doctor this morning and told him about my pain...he has written a prescription which I will pick up later in the week! I think from what the doc was telling me that he is looking at stronger doses so I can get ready for everything that is coming up! He did mention something like co-codimol but I will let you know! If the drug gets out of the "GENERIC!" drugs pool I will let you know!

I think amitripline is going to be with me for a bit! 25/50 mg I wouldnt advise drink or smoking weed with it! Unless you like scary trip out city! No joking with it tho its harsh! Thankyou for your suggestion Amanda! I love you chicken! Be safe babe!
What a difference a day makes! We will be better one day! Just keep you head up!

Hope you are all ok!
posted by personallog! @ 1:30 pm   2 comments
Thursday, January 05, 2006
its in the people you know!
*****goldfrap-oola lala*****

This tune is for my mate in australia! Hope you are doing well R!

Right the pain side of things....still off work(crap!) still got pain in my legs(as Amanda said last time!cheers babe!) still got a cough still feel like poo!

Well the feel like poo bit is going slowley(its better than it was yesterday!) and I am looking into the pain relief that has been suggested by Amanda (twice!) and I have to speak to my doc before popping pills!

I have less than 1 month till it happens....1 month...! Anyone know what I am taking about? Well the jump is next weekend....and I am not talking about that! I dont even want to say what it is....I will let you think about it! Answers on a comment!

Hope you are all well!

1.News clipping sent from Kim in november last year!
2.Possible side effect of Copaxone(which might not help on the 14th!Jump date!)
posted by personallog! @ 10:24 am   6 comments
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Pain pain pain!
What hell do I have to go through before someone puts me down? Not in a crap way either! Any mention of my hair/dress sence...ect ect will recieve an internet beating! I got up for 2 seconds this morning and MY LEGS F*CKING HURT!!!!!!!!!! Believe it or not my balance is fine....NO ITS F*CKING NOT! GGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!(please note thats not a sexy growl!)

Lets take a look at my work ratio so far this year.

Day 4 of the year worked 1/2 day! Would you employ me? I wouldnt! This is rediculass* (spelt wrong for a reason! Its the ASS bit with emphasis!) My head is in a bad place today and I have to get my anger out somehow! I really have to look into pain management and get this in the right context... I am going to spend today looking through this site:BRITISH MEDICAL JOURNALS

Right these guys are new to the medical profession and I need to look into some long term Doc journals...they are there! I.E: If someone has done 1, he is new, If he has more than 10 then he or she is concidered to have passed into the real medical side! There are others.....but I am BRITSH!!!!! so thats where I will be looking for now! There is a few more like:

These were passed to me by a beautiful young lady who came to do some return to work things...re-asses my ergonomic work station so I would be more confortable coming back to work! Once my job change some things it will be easier but the pain managment will be my responsibility! Going to ring the Docs today me thinks! I can turn this arround I know I can....actually SO CAN YOU! YES YOU! We are in control of what is happening to our mental states! The Doctors dont know that bit they might be able to find a cure(1 day guys!) but they can cure depression and being sad! How do you feel?

Yes the docs can prescibe drugs till the cows come home(sorry!) but if your mental state is not in a good place....they are not going to work as well are they? Right I am angry so time for some hard music! Rock! This is a long post and I am sorry for this but I am really angry! If I can find some drugs that dont produce more white blood cells but stop pain I will let you know!
I have called in sick today and called the doc's too: Got a telephone appointment on friday with him and copaxone delivery on monday! Oh joy! More fecking needles! Oh this time off I have reread the notes from my nero(how depressing!) and sent a note to my work filling in a questionaire for them!(you have to love the data protection act!) I have a copy of it now! My diagnosis for ms is offically PRRMS...thats progressive relapsing remiting! Hmm I will have to work hard for them to change that!
Hope your all better than me!
*****My Chemical romance:hang em high*****
posted by personallog! @ 9:20 am   4 comments
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
For Jen....Lady E..XXXXXX..
*****Goo Goo Dolls:Iris******

I Know you will read this today....I LOVE YOU! I am going to work today via taxi so dont worry I am going! I do it for us baby! Thankyou for your text this morning it means so much to me! I hope I can be the best me so we can be the best us soon! My thoughts as allways are with you! I just want the best for you....and thats why I wait for you! Right going to work! Love ya babe!xxxx

Hope you are all ok
posted by personallog! @ 8:05 am   2 comments
Monday, January 02, 2006
Start of the new year has gone as expected!!!!!!!!!
Just found a tune here which I thought you might like! Got to love that guy! Funky riffs! Just shows you what I have been listening to over christmas.

Well set my alarm last night for work today. It is very important to me to get back to work...Well I have so much to do that costs money! I want to do it for my sanity too! The social aspect of getting back to work is high on the agenda! If I am going to have any life in manchester it will have to be paid for. I will iron a shirt to go in tomorrow! I have to get my head thinking about one thing at a time......or at least have some order out of the chaos that is my life at the moment. Well you all have read my blog....its full of idea's but I dont have the motivation to compleate....well allmost anything! Yes I am doing the jump still, weather permitting, yes I have got my own place and managing to cope. Yes I am in love with a great woman, I dont have control there but you know! I need to get off my ass and do something! Right today I will be looking into courses....educate myself! As John Wayne said "get on ya horse....and drink your milk" (not sure about the milk bit but!) I think the princable is there...ish!

I will let you know what is going to happen there! The Jen side is very confusing at the moment and something is telling me to run to the hills...I am not going to run by the way!(thats very hard to do with a stick anyway Dave!) Trauma me thinks! Dont think she has split with him yet either! I know its going to take some time but it the waiting thats driving me nuts! You cant think that every thing is going to be great straight away....can you?

1st day of the new year and allready got the blues! Well maybe its just the yin to my yang!Roll on the upside! Hope you are all ok!

***Question for the day:What pain managment can be taken without producing white blood cells? Well when you have ms wbc's are stripping the myline from your cns(Centeral nevouse system)! Any idea's people? We need to know dont we? I will have a look about and let you know if I find anything! Please leave comments on what your taking!
posted by personallog! @ 11:57 am   2 comments
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Then the hangover from hell! great way to start the new year!
grrrr! Why do we do it? Lol! Had loads to clean up today!

I had a great night tho! Well worth it! But now I cant type!going back to bed! Got work in the morning! The only thing that would make it better is if she was there in more than spirt! Happy new year!

posted by personallog! @ 5:38 pm   0 comments
ms....not just a diary
About Me

Name: personallog!
Home: St. Annes, Lancashire, United Kingdom
About Me:
I am 6ft 3" skinny and not well. I was diagnosed with ms in 2004 and I would like to speak with others who have ms. I have a want to raise money for ms charities. We have to find a cure for this hell!!!! See my complete profile

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